Breathing Easy

I'm breathing mostly without pain today. This is significant because it's the first time in weeks.

I started taking Zoloft for post partum depression when McCloud was a few weeks old. PPD was a difficult thing to admit to, but life got better. I smiled more and snapped at the kids less. After a few months, I thought I didn't need the chemical assistance anymore, so I cut back on the Zoloft, then quit all together. It was ok for a while. At least I thought so.

Dan asked me one day if I was still taking it, and he looked dissapointed but not surprised when I told him no. My attitude had gone down hill, and he'd noticed. I thought I had it under control. I was wrong.

I tried to stick it out without the meds, tried to just pay attention to myself and how I was acting. Then one day I realized that I couldn't feel my teeth.

In the early stages of hyperventilation, you can lose feeling in your lower gums and teeth. Most people don't notice, because they don't spend a lot of time in the early stages of hyperventilation. They move right onto the poor breathing. I have a cronic condition that can make it very painful to breath. My body often compensates by modifying my breathing to shallow breaths only. So I basically spend a lot of time in the early stages of hyperventilation before I notice a problem.

Catching this attack when I was loosing feeling in my teeth wasn't enough this time. Even though I was downing regular doses of ibuprofen, the pain wasn't getting better. It was getting worse. When the pain radiated through my shoulders and all the way down to my wrists, and then into my hips, I knew something else had to be done.

I finally made the connection that this was my body's reaction to stress. When all other home remedies failed, I finally made the connection that I needed to start taking Zoloft again. 7 days in, and I'm mostly pain free. It's nice to smile freely at my husband and children again. It's a relief not to have flashes of the horrible things I could do to my children when they are screaming and yelling.

As much as I hate to admit it, antidepressents may have to be a regular part of my life. I'm not happy about it, but I'm happy with the change its made in my family.