Friday, August 1, 2008

Hold Me Tight

I was recently called to appear for jury duty. Blech. I figured that I had two really great outs: 1. I'm a paralegal; 2. I'm breastfeeding. Turns out, I was wrong.

This was a criminal matter that was being tried. I don't do criminal law. So I have no real knowledge of criminal procedure. (Civil procedure I'm pretty good at. I can even do bankruptcy procedure - but I don't really care for it.) This wasn't just any criminal matter, though. This was a case of (Count I) Child Molest and (Count II) Sexual Misconduct with a Minor. This was an ugly case, with a shocking lack of familial support for the victim.

The jury was 7 women, 5 men, variety of ages and experience. We also had a variety of children/grandchildren that we could claim.

Day one consisted of 6 hours of jury selection, then we began the trial. We heard testimony for about 1 1/2 hours. Day two consisted of 8 hours of testimony/lunch/attorneys-duking-it-out-while-the-jury-was-told-to-wait and so on. The case was given to the jury at about 4:30 p.m. We finally returned the verdict(s) at 9:30 p.m. All the while, the court accommodated my need to pump.

The defendant was guilty on both counts.

The jurors were invited to stay and speak with the judge if we wished. My wish was to high-tail it out of there ASAP. I was delighted to learn that representatives of the Sheriff's department were available to escort us to our vehicles if we so desired. I did. This is a rural community, and people have guns in their cars. I was not going to hang around and risk running into family members.

Why do I tell you this? Because it made me hold my children closer. It helped remind me of the kind of man my husband is, and why I married him. And, it made me cry.

I don't cry much these days. 25 days after McCloud was born, I couldn't stop crying. I didn't realize it was a problem until Big Kahuna said I needed to do something about the constant tears immediately. I discussed it with my doctor, and he determined that an anti-depressant was in order.

This was a possibility I had discussed with my OB before McCloud's birth. I strongly suspect that I suffered from undiagnosed post-partum depression when both Busby and Janet were infants. Also, I have emotionally struggled with breastfeeding with each child. Actually, I have hated it, time and again. But I always kept doing it because it's the best thing for baby.

I mentioned holding my children closer. When I got home at 10:00 p.m. after the trial concluded, I got into bed with my sleeping son and whispered in his ear. I told him that his mommy and daddy love him, and we will always be there for him, and we are his biggest fans. I've told this to both of my daughters as well. I have crawled into bed with Janet and held her until she has drifted off to sleep. Two nights ago I picked up a sleeping McCloud and took her to bed with me, so that I could hold her to me while she slept. Tonight, Busby needed some cuddling. So I laid down with him and rubbed his feet. The only problem is that he tosses and turns. A lot. Eventually I got up, but offered to let him sleep with the one stuffed animal I kept from my childhood - a baby fawn that was made for me by my grandmother. He looked absolutely delighted. And he promised to stay in bed and go to sleep.

The point of this rambling post? Maybe it's a reminder to be the kids' biggest cheerleader and to hug them a lot.

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